I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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