ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
