i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
