hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
