True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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