You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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