your thong is hanging out like whoa
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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