im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
