She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
