i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
