hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
