the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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