Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
