Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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