Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
