smell my finger.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
