I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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