i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
