Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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