just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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