if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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