Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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