We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Even my vagina gasped.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
