So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
