if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
