Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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