when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
