Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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