Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
