help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
