i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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