I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
