I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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