apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
