I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
