Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
