Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
