FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
