I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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