OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
