I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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