Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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