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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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