Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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