The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
