Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
