Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
