Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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