I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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