A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
