My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
