Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
