...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
where are my eyebrows?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
