My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
