i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
