Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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