I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
