3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
