oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
