i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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