it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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